i had always believed that dead people got their special way to communicate with us, but i started to feel this for real just 10 months ago.  when grandma wasn’t here anymore, she started to visit me in a different way through my dreams, she was so different, she doesn’t talk almost all the time & the messages she gave wasn’t direct at all and it took a lot of effort trying to figure it out, but at least she was present.. it’s a good feeling to have her around even just in dreams.. i had always felt her in my daily life through the little things that didn’t mean a lot when she was here.. and i do laugh and make jokes about those exact things, some people might think it doesn’t hurt anymore but it does still hurt as much as it was in the beginning.. and i have no idea why i’m doing this but it might be because i want to convince myself that i got over it.

last night was the second night in a row i had a terrible sleep, the first night i had only slept for few hours then i was up all the night till the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, it’s hard for me to sleep when i have an idea or a person stuck in my head, and unfortunately i had someone there that night.  and last night i had a strange dream about mom and it made me feel really bad.  the hardest part of all of this is how much i miss her.. i had changed a lot since i lost her, i had experienced and i’m experiencing now a lot of missing for people with a different relationships even if they are still somewhere in this universe but they are not a part of my life, but nothing feels like this.. it also hurts so deeply when i think that although i had all this love and appreciation for her, but she never knew about it directly.. it would be so easy for me to express myself more.. to open up with my emotions.. and to be a better person with her.. it’s just that i was so arrogant and had my own very stupid reasons and i got those meaningless “emotion rules”.. and it’s too late now to regret it.. i know deeply that she must know how much i loved her.. but i couldn’t forgive myself until now for being what i am still being until now, why it is so hard for me to express my feelings to those who means everything to me, why do i always put in my mind my self-image as if it’s gonna be touched by that, why do i still feel it’s sort of weakness, why my shyness sometimes get the control over me?!

forgive me momy…
i wish i’d get another chance!

with love,

was written in 21/5/2010


2 تعليقان to “…!”

  1. Dentographer Says:

    May your late beloved ones Rest in Peace
    Must be Really hard,am sorry

  2. ablaj Says:

    thnx for ur warm wishes Dento, it was sooo kind from u 🙂
    i’m so happy el7amdella.. last dream for me was about mom and it was GREAT.. i’m feeling so speechless when trying to describe how does it make me feel.. but i feel so like flying, it really boosted my energy & happiness to the maximum levels 7amdella

    i had never been worried about mom since she died, i mean she was litarlly ((an ange))l so loving and pure and peaceful.. never harmed anyone even those who doesn’t do good for her.. she loved everyone & everyone loved her.. so i was 100% sure that Allah would give her what she deserved specially that she suffered alot in her life.. but the thing is: i was just missing her + thinking if she is alone – she hated loneliness

    i saw her in a dream.. she was sitting in the middle of everyone just like the old days.. my cosin was near me.. i told her: mom is dead! she shut me up cuz that was a horrible thing to say but i was sure about it.. i went to say hi and kiss her and i sat beside her.. i asked her: mom where r u now? (i was thinking if she’s not dead i don’t want to freak her).. she said: i’m in all of this “baraaaaaaad ya allah min fa9’lk”.. she was so happy and laughing.. i asked again: mom are u mabso6a? she laughed loudly as if i’m asking a silly question and she said: i’m 3nd elrab elkareem & we r drinking from something i forget it.. then i asked finaly: r u alone? she then was making circles with her fingerss and said that everyone is around her like this

    i’m sooo glad about this dream.. i’m grateful for God for his generousty.. that was way more than what i needed.. and just want to share it here

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